Why Do Romantic Relationships Hurt So Much?
Each of us experiences, throughout relationships, the highest joys but also the deepest sufferings. Is suffering inevitable? Is there a way to end suffering?
Romantic relationships are a major cause of suffering.
Each of us experiences, throughout relationships, the highest joys but also the deepest sufferings: betrayal, abandonment, resentment, anger, disappointed expectations, a sense of failure…
However, in relationships, when there is suffering there cannot be true love: true love is Unconditional. Either love is joy and happiness, or it is not Unconditional Love.
When there is suffering, it is the “love of the ego.”
What we feel in our romantic relationships, that we believe is love, is actually a tangled web of projective mechanisms of the ego: “I project my father onto you and you project your mother onto me.”
In our romantic relationships, we re-create and re-experience the patterns and the roles that we have absorbed and internalized from our parents, since our childhood. However, our projective mechanisms are not merely the result of the actual pattern of relationship between our parents. Rather, they are the result of our emotional experiences and personal memories of their relationship.
This explains why siblings can internalize different models of parental relationships. A partner is no longer seen for whom she or he is, but through the distorting mirror of parental relationships that we have internalized and that we continue to project onto them.
The stronger the projection mechanism is, the stronger the feelings of pain in the relationship become. For example, as a boy, if I had a controlling and “emasculating” mother, my partner will always behave with me in a similar fashion, until I heal the feminine side that I have internalized.
Only by looking at myself without judgment, can I accept myself for who I am and let go of the illusion of control and “emasculation” that I have co-created through my projections. For example, as a girl, if I had a father who had behaved in a disparaging and denigrating way toward my mother, my partner will do the same with me, until I heal my sense of self-worthlessness.
The energy of our projective mechanisms within a romantic relationship is so powerful that it has the potential to unlock our inner child, the most vulnerable part of ourselves that we generally try to keep secret.
The inner child makes us draw out our emotional blocks, and our oldest and deepest scars; those that, since childhood, we have hidden within ourselves. Our partner, as our most intimate mirror, has the natural ability to fracture and shatter the wall of judgment, self-control, and self-censure behind which we hide ourselves. Thus revealing and freeing our inner child, which in reality is only asking to be recognized and loved.
The inner child needs to have the possibility to manifest and show itself openly to the world in order to heal its own wounds of love and experience of life. Only in this way can the inner child again begin to trust and unconditionally love the world, accepting and unconditionally loving itself.
We often hide from other people, because of self-judgment, the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of showing. We choose to show only the parts that we consider “acceptable”. In this way, we end up believing in a false representation of ourselves, until an emotional involvement within a romantic relationship unveils what was hidden behind our mask: we are naked in front of the mirror of a romantic relationship.
Observing ourselves during a romantic relationship tells us exactly at which point of our healing journey we are.
Judging your partner, thinking of them as being wrong, is but a trick of the ego: “They are immature”, “They are egotistic”, “They are not reliable”, “They betrayed me”, “They were scared of my love”, “I do not feel wanted by them”, “They do not respect me”, “They still love their ex-partner”, “They do not trust me”, “They are unable to love”, ...
Everything that you disapprove of in your partner, everything that you judge as a fault, everything that you find unacceptable, is you manifesting it through your partner and vice versa.
If you judge your partner from outside the perspective of the Oneness, separate from yourself, how can you really love them? Use your partner as a mirror to see yourself more intimately and deeply and start to feel that you are your partner and your partner is you, beyond any judgment. Begin to recognize and to accept yourself through them. Start to feel that your partner is your projection as you are theirs. Become conscious that your relationship is your co-creation and not the result of the inadequacies and unsolved problems you believe your partner to have.
You only receive the love that you think you deserve.
The recognition of love that is denied by your partner is the recognition of love that you deny yourself.
If you are experiencing a troubled relationship, it is because you are co-creating it, day by day, through self-limiting beliefs, judgment, separation, as well as through the unconscious projections of your inner child.
Healing our wounds, we rebalance and achieve the Sacred Union of our inner feminine and masculine sides, rejoining ourselves in love with love. Regardless of whether we are male or female, or whatever our sexual preferences (whether we are attracted to the opposite sex or not), if we do not harmoniously integrate our inner polarities, one of the poles will always interfere with the free, creative manifestation of the other.
When we heal the feminine side within ourselves, we also heal the masculine and vice versa, because when we rebalance either of the two sides, the other side also rebalances.
At this point the two polarities, the energy of the masculine and feminine sides - that of the father (the energy of giving) and that of the mother (the energy of receiving) - join in love and merge into each other. Like partners, they begin to dance together to the rhythm of life, alternatively driving the dance in perfect harmony.
After clearing our mirrors of any projecting mechanisms, having harmonized and integrated the duality of the feminine and masculine sides within ourselves, we can then achieve the Sacred Union through Unconditional Love. This is how we experience the joy of giving and receiving freely, because by giving love we are already receiving love.
The Sacred Union is our accomplishment: eventually, we realize that everything we are looking for we have already found within ourselves and that now we only have to express it fully in our lives. The Source of love is within ourselves and it is unlimited, pure, and sacred. When we vibrate at our highest frequencies, we are no longer the feminine or the masculine side of ourselves. We are the one and the other, and we are the father and the mother.
We are pure, divine love.
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